Hear Ye Hear Ye!

Yes everyone, you have seen correctly, I have finally posted on my blog again! I am going to seriously try to keep this blog going, I have a couple reviews i’m preparing, a couple other readathon related posts, etc. I am hoping to keep this thing alive and stay active!

But if you ever want to know where I am or why I haven’t been posting, I am always much more active on my Youtube channel!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC08UEoOsaehESyoT6qvr4-w

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The Raven King by Maggie Stiefvater

17378527★★★★

Pages: 439
Publication Date: April 26th 2016
Publisher: Scholastic Press
Summary:
All her life, Blue has been warned that she will cause her true love’s death. She doesn’t believe in true love and never thought this would be a problem, but as her life becomes caught up in the strange and sinister world of the Raven Boys, she’s not so sure anymore.

Buy the book by clicking HERE

My Thoughts:

This book was the conclusion to the series and I don’t really know what to say about it. I liked it, it was entertaining, it was fitting, it felt like coming back to something familiar. But it was also slow, which was a common denominator in all the books, it was anticlimactic, it was slightly confusing, and a little all over the place.

So, the good.

Depending on where you began this series, it was about Ronan Lynch and Adam Parrish.
That’s what this series turned into for me in the end, a series about them. The main reason I cared about this book, had the motivation to read it when I did, was because I wanted to know how their stories ended. I wanted Ronan to be happy, to get everything he wanted after losing so much. And I wanted happiness for Adam, for his dreams to come true in all the ways he wanted after enduring so much pain. In the end, and through it all, I stayed with this series for them, and I can say that I am glad I did. I am throughly pleased with the way they progressed in the novel, where their stories took them, and how they concluded. The growth Ronan does in this one alone is astounding, and the person Adam becomes is beautiful.

I can’t talk about the good in this book without mentioning the writing. Damn Maggie Stiefvater can write. Some of the most beautiful, poetic, descriptive, and flowing writing around. I absolutely adored the way multiple chapters started with the same sentence. It was just so well done. So, while there are issues I have with it (see further in the bad section for details) the writing is ultimately why I constantly think about this world, even when I’m not in it.

And sadly, the longer bad section.

Depending on where you began this series, it was about Henry Cheng, Noah Czerny, and every other pointless character in the series meant only to waste pages. Literally why I can never fully enjoy these books: the 500 side characters with seemingly 0 plot. Henry Cheng, introduced in book 3, becomes a main character in book 4 and seemingly takes the place as Gansey’s best friend. He even becomes a little trio with Blue and Gansey and I just??? When did this happen? Was I in the bathroom and missed the pivotal moment? He didn’t even fill a plot purpose, I was waiting for him to turn into a villain and betray everyone. He was just dumped into book 4 as a main character and I was supposed to feel intense love for him. I just have absolutely no idea what in the world his role was for and I would love any explanations people have.
Adding to this, why was his mom in this book? Her whole role was so pointless, it just added unnecessary pages for me to read. Laumonier, a fascinating character(s) was so pointless. In fact, every adult except like the psychics and Artemis were essentially here for??? Who knows really. A lot of inclusion of a hot mess for no reason.

Other mini reasons this was a bit of disappointment: the entire Glendower storyline was a huge letdown. I get why it turned out the way it did, but at the same time huge build up for a bit of nothing. Then there’s the writing.. I love her writing to bits and pieces but it reads very slow and a bit dull at times. Not a lot of action and none of the action included is suspenseful because of her writing style. Not a huge complaint but because it was the last book, at times it felt a bit out of sync with me.
I also still found myself with 0 care in the world for Blue Sargent, and I love Gansey but because of his storyline being interwoven with Blue and Henry, he becomes less of an importance for me.

And lastly, and certainly not least, my main qualm with this book, and the series overall, is what Maggie Stiefvater did to Noah Czerny. I understand why his role in the books diminished over time and over the books. It was necessary, I get it, but the way it was done was honestly such a sad aspect to me. Noah was such a key role in this friend group in book 1. He was one of the Raven Boys, one of Blue’s 4 boys, one of the key parts of a group of 5. But somehow, by this book, no one acknowledged him, no one mentioned him, no one CARES that he’s barely there, no one cares about him at all, and his tiny little role in this book is actually one that makes him look bad. The lack of appreciation and care for Noah is such a bother to me. It’s why I almost debated giving this 3 stars instead of 4. Noah was important. Noah is important and to throw him away, to not even mention him in the Epilogue when he played such a vital role to something in the end, was a disservice to his character that I cannot forgive Maggie Stiefvater for this no matter how hard I try.

So, overall….

I liked this book. It was satisfying and a good conclusion and I am happy to be finished it, but there were issues I had and things about the series as a whole that bothered me. I don’t think it’s the best series ever but I can see why a lot of people adore it, I can also see why people don’t like it. I enjoyed it, I will always keep this world and these characters for me, but for now I’m saying goodbye to my Raven Boys.

He Will Be My Ruin by K.A Tucker

27276314★★★★★

Pages: 340
Publication Date: February 2nd 2016
Publisher: Atria Press
Summary:
Twenty-eight-year-old Maggie Sparkes arrives in New York City to pack up what’s left of her best friend’s belongings after a suicide that has left everyone stunned. The police have deemed the evidence conclusive: Celine got into bed, downed a bottle of Xanax and a handle of vodka, and never woke up. But when Maggie discovers secrets in the childhood lock box hidden in Celine’s apartment, she begins asking questions. Questions about the man Celine fell in love with. The man she never told anyone about, not even Maggie. The man who Celine herself claimed would be her ruin.
On the hunt for answers that will force the police to reopen the case, Maggie uncovers more than she bargained for about Celine’s private life–and inadvertently puts herself on the radar of a killer who will stop at nothing to keep his crimes undiscovered.

My Thoughts:

Just a quick note that I received this book from the publisher in exchange for a review but all thoughts in this review are my own.

I l o v e d this book! I went into this book expecting a romance. A romance novel with a touch of mystery, perhaps a murder. But this book was just a mystery and I LOVED it.

Maggie herself was probably the best part of this novel. She was just so human and so down to earth. She constantly did things that frustrated me and infuriated me, but I understood where she was coming from because she was so human. She was flawed but she made all the mistakes I would have made. In terms of her looking for answers for her best friends’ death, she made the assumptions and found answers in the same way I would have, even if she was looking with tunnel vision in some moments.

I also liked the way it talks about long distance relationships. You can know someone from the day they’re born, think you know everything about them, but at the end of the day you know only the aspects of people that they let you know. I loved this commentary and how accurate it was for every day life.

My favourite part of this novel though was the mystery itself. I honestly wasn’t expecting a huge mystery, anything spectacular, but wow this mystery was fantastic! Every page, every chapter ending had a plot twist. Whether it was just a mini revelation or a huge twist, there was one. I thought I had everything figured out, and nope. The author had this really amazing way of making you believe what she wanted you to believe.

All in all a really enjoyable and fast paced mystery with really great characters. The author has an amazing talent for writing and I cannot wait to dig into her other books.

I posted a more in depth review on my YouTube channel with a giveaway! The giveaway ends March 8th.

FIND K.A. TUCKER ONLINE:

http://www.katuckerbooks.com/

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BUY LINKS (US):

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BUY LINKS (UK)

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Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

21411194★★★★1/2

Pages: 296 pages
Publication: 1987
Publisher: Vintage International
Summary:

Toru, a quiet and preternaturally serious young college student in Tokyo, is devoted to Naoko, a beautiful and introspective young woman, but their mutual passion is marked by the tragic death of their best friend years before.  Toru begins to adapt to campus life and the loneliness and isolation he faces there, but Naoko finds the pressures and responsibilities of life unbearable.  As she retreats further into her own world, Toru finds himself reaching out to others and drawn to a fiercely independent and sexually liberated young woman.
A poignant story of one college student’s romantic coming-of-age, Norwegian Wood takes us to that distant place of a young man’s first, hopeless, and heroic love.

My Thoughts:

4.5 stars

So I finally read the legendary Murakami and I ended up really enjoying it! The thing is, this book was mediocre really. Mediocre plot, a sad love story with far too much tragedy and overly sexual, but still good. But the writing is where Murakami shines. I started this book, read 10 pages, and hated his writing. But I grew to love it and I ended up being taken to Tokyo through his words. He has this way with words that he can write such an atmospheric story. He does this so clearly and so well that this is where he shines.

I did love most of the characters but not all. I didn’t fully understand Toru at all and the way he understood his relationships with other people. I also didn’t like Naoko at all. I felt for her but I wasn’t a fan of hers. I mostly didn’t like the way her and Toru affected one another. I really liked Reiko, and Midori was my favourite character. She was so unique and the one character in the book I could relate to.

Plot wise most of this story was unbelievable. There was far too much sex and sexual discussion for a book of 293 pages. If you take it out I’m sure the book would have hit only 200 pages. It was also not really realistic given the time period for some of the things that happened to have happened. And again, far too much death. The book also, while being extremely sad and emotional, didn’t emotionally affect me in any way.

So while there were some clear issues I had, they didn’t affect the story. I still was engrossed and wanted to keep reading all the time and I know I owe it all to Murakami’s writing.

The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest by Stieg Larsson

6892870★★★

Pages: 746 
Publication Date: May 23rd, 2010
Publisher: Knopf
Summary:

Lisbeth Salander lies in critical condition, a bullet wound to her head, in the intensive care unit of a Swedish city hospital. She’s fighting for her life in more ways than one: if and when she recovers, she’ll be taken back to Stockholm to stand trial for three murders. With the help of her friend, journalist Mikael Blomkvist, she will not only have to prove her innocence, but also identify and denounce those in authority who have allowed the vulnerable, like herself, to suffer abuse and violence. And, on her own, she will plot revenge – against the man who tried to kill her, and the corrupt government institutions that very nearly destroyed her life.
Once upon a time, she was a victim. Now Salander is fighting back.

My Thoughts:

3 or 3.5. I still am undecided. My heart tells me 3.5 but my mind tells me 3 stars.

So before I start my review I want to say that this trilogy is amazing! It’s a 5 star trilogy and well worth reading. My rating for this book and my following rating do not in any way denounce this trilogy, I will recommend it until I die and it is definitely a top book of 2016.
My second before I start is that I enjoyed this book. I want to say that before I get into my review because I think my review will be largely negative but I do want to state to start I DID like this book.

So here’s the thing with this book, it was BORING. Like okay so it continues exactly to the minute where book 2 cut off and I loved that and I am glad the author decided to focus this book entirely on the topics he did. But there was so much in this I had to slog through. It took me nearly a month to read this because I read other books and had no interest in this at times. I did find this happened in book 2 as well but wow this was rough. The first 400 pages consisted primarily of Swedish government intel and that just was not for me. The last 300 pages the action started and I really got into it and there was a section near the end I just COULDNT stop reading. (view spoiler)

Now, I was going to give this 4 stars. I liked the conclusion of the story and while it was boring it was still good. But I gave it 3/3.5 stars because of the characters. The characters were just as amazing as they were in the first 2 books but I feel like Larsson sacrificed them for plot. Now, granted, he had I think 6 books planned but sadly passed away after the third so MAYBE he was going to fix this, but I was extremely disappointed with what I had left of the characters at the end of the story.
—A couple spoilers incoming now—
We had 0 conclusions to any of the character’s stories. Salander and Mikael were my two FAVOURITE characters of life and I secretly wished for them to have a happily ever after. Together. But instead I got a barely existing friendship. After the events of the last two books where they didn’t see each other a SINGLE time (except like 2 minor interactions in the last 50 pages) I was so let down. I just don’t see why Larsson sacrificed what they had like that and threw it away. Blomkvist had chemistry with TWO characters in this series, Berger and Salander. I do not like that he ended up with Figeurola and honestly that’s pretty much the entire reason that I gave this 3 stars. I dislike the crappy way the characters story ARCs were done and Blomkvist ended up falling in INSTALOVE with some random character introduced to us on page 500/746. So I just didn’t appreciate that. Honestly, I had no plans to read book 4, but I honestly hope this random author ends up salvaging some of the respect I had for Blomkvist and repairing the relationship between the two leads.
Also not to mention that none of the characters got any sort of closure, but I will assume this has to do with the passing of the author before the series was complete.

So I mean overall I DID enjoy this book but I had some very prominent problems. I am going to stand by my decision to call this a trilogy until I read book 4 and see how it fits into the series.

We Are Still Tornadoes by Michael Kun and Susan Mullen

28220739★★★★★

Pages: 304
Publication Date: November 1st, 2016
Publisher: St. Martin’s Press
Summary:
Growing up across the street from each other, Scott and Cath have been best friends their entire lives. Cath would help Scott with his English homework, he would make her mix tapes (it’s the 80’s after all), and any fight they had would be forgotten over TV and cookies. But now they’ve graduated high school and Cath is off to college while Scott is at home pursuing his musical dreams.

During their first year apart, Scott and Cath’s letters help them understand heartache, annoying roommates, family drama and the pressure to figure out what to do with the rest of their lives. And through it all, they realize that the only person they want to turn to is each other. But does that mean they should be more than friends? The only thing that’s clear is that change is an inescapable part of growing up. And the friends who help us navigate it share an unshakable bond.

My Thoughts:

So I know I said in my original review I wasn’t going to post anything because I am going to do a video review, I am still planning to do this but I wanted to make a written review for people who don’t necessarily subscribe to my YouTube channel.

So We Are Still Tornadoes is a book that I got sent to me unsolicited from St. Martin’s Press (thank you!!) and boy am I glad I did! This book follows two best friends, Cath and Scott, who are being separated for the first time in their lives. Cath is going off to college and Scott is staying in their home town. This book is a series of back and forth letters to one another over their first year apart and their friendships, the ups and downs in each other’s lives, and how to maintain a friendship from so far apart.

So to start, I say a lot that I don’t really find contemporary a compelling genre. Well I’m starting to eat my words because I absolutely loved this book. I am constantly reading contemporary that’s cute and maybe not something I will pick up all the time, but I like nonetheless. So I think I’ll give this genre a bigger chance and maybe start checking out authors I’ve been hesitant to read.

Anywho, I digress. This book had such a simple plot but it was so cute. I loved reading about the two lives of these characters. They were so distinct and their lives so different that I enjoyed reading it. I also enjoyed the letter style and the relationship these characters had! I think the letter style made me love this book in a way I don’t think I would have if it was a normal novel. I enjoyed that we got the short snippets and the least description possible. Letters also meant that we got a whole years worth of events without the boring stuff and we got as much as possible. I’m not sure if any of that made sense but like yeah trust me the letter style was really the best thing for this!

Characters were the best part. I related to Scott more than Cath for the most part. I felt everything Scott was feeling. I understood him and when he went through hardships I empathized with him a little more than Cath. I loved Cath still but I didn’t empathize with her. I found her a very understanding and forgiving character and while I think those are amazing qualities, I also had moments where I didn’t want her to be so kind. Their relationship was adorable and their friendship was one I wish I had with someone. Overall I just loved them.

Random last snippet, I love that the year was 1982, presumably to have it so the fact that they sent letters instead of emailed/texted make sense. I just enjoyed that little extra detail.

IT by Stephen King

28094574★★★

Pages: 1090 Pages
Publication: September 1986.
Publisher: Signet
Summary:

Welcome to Derry, Maine. It’s a small city, a place as hauntingly familiar as your own hometown. Only in Derry the haunting is real.
They were seven teenagers when they first stumbled upon the horror. Now they are grown-up men and women who have gone out into the big world to gain success and happiness. But the promise they made twenty-eight years ago calls them reunite in the same place where, as teenagers, they battled an evil creature that preyed on the city’s children. Now, children are being murdered again and their repressed memories of that terrifying summer return as they prepare to once again battle the monster lurking in Derry’s sewers.

My Thoughts:

Wow was this ever a journey and I have a lot to say about it so buckle up my friends.

To start, I feel the need to say I DID like this book. I did. IT is a movie I have always enjoyed and have always wanted to read where the story came from.
But wow am I ever disappointed with it in all honesty.

I listened to this entire book as an audiobook because I did not have it in me to read 1100 pages right now, that amounted to about 45 hours of listening. For the first 15 hours, or about 350 pages, I was super into this. I was enjoying myself, I really was, but then I just started to getannoyed. It’s not that anything annoying was happening, but I was listening to the same man for 15 hours and I was only 1/3 of the way done the book. I was getting irritated at the like excessive details that Stephen King puts into his books. I appreciate details, I really do, but I don’t need a play by play of someone going pee. I know that it involves removing pants and sitting and washing hands and all that but you can cut out half a page of text just by saying “soandso went to the washroom.” So about the last 300 pages I just wanted to be done. I wanted it to be over. I wasn’t enjoying myself because it was so long and I was just losing steam. So unfortunately that really took over a lot of my time when it came to trying to enjoy the story.

So the actual book. Here’s the thing, even when watching the movie IT, the end has always kind of bored me slightly. I just loved THE story of IT but I’ve never actually liked where he went with the whole idea. So it does make sense that the end of the book was boring me. But the book just made it WORSE. I don’t know but there was so much confusion with the back and forth between childhood and adulthood and it was so confusing at times. There was a lot of other character’s perspectives I didn’t fully understand, and given the fact that there is 1100 pages, I felt like there were some aftermath parts missing near the end. So overall the ending wasn’t good but I still LOVE the idea of IT.

Now this next section is going to be a little spoilery so if you haven’t read the book you will be spoiled (even if you’ve seen the movie).
To start, the adultery between Beverly and Bill made no sense to me. Like the inclusion of it just was a bit confusing to me. I don’t really understand why it was included and honestly I preferred in the movie where she just ends up with Ben because Bill is happily married. Again, that’s just a preference thing but yeah one little irksome moment.
My biggest ?????????? moment though is in the last 100 pages. I don’t actually understand the scene when ELEVEN year old Beverly had sex with all 6 boys in some sort of orgy moment.. I just don’t understand and I have actually tried to read up on it to see if I could find an explanation but I haven’t found anything so if any of you who have read this book have ANY sort of explanation as to why this was included I would love to know because it was very uncomfortable to read.

So umm yeah Idk I liked it, I didn’t love it. I am not sure after these last 2 books if Stephen King is the author for me. He has VERY atmospheric stories to me where the atmosphere and tone he sets up are the best parts of the book. I still own Salem’s Lot so I will read it one day and I have always wanted to read Misery, The Green Mile, and Pet Semetary so I do have the desire to try him again but yeah overall I wasn’t hugely impressed with this book and I think it has to do with the size.
Big is apparently not always better.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson

6599342★★★★★

Pages: 841 pages
Publication: August, 2005.
Publisher: Penguin Canada
Summary:

Forty years ago, Harriet Vanger disappeared from the secluded island owned by the Vanger family. No one saw her leave the island, and no body was ever found. Her uncle, Henrik, is convinced she was murdered by a member of her own dysfunctional family. Disgraced journalist Mikael Blomkvist is hired to investigate.
But when Blomkvist uncovers new evidence, it suddenly becomes too dangerous to proceed alone. Enter Lisbeth Salander, a twenty-four-year-old pierced and tattooed genius hacker with the wisdom of someone twice her age – and a terrifying capacity for ruthlessness to go with it. She’s unwilling to take orders, rides a motorbike like a Hells Angel, and handles makeshift weapons with a skill born of rage.
Together this unlikely team unravels a dark and appalling family history. But the Vangers are a secretive clan, and Blomkvist and Salander are about to find out how far they’re prepared to go to protect themselves.

My Thoughts:

This is one of those books that I always knew I should read, but never actually did. About 3-4 years ago I tried to start this but the beginning just bored me intensely so I quit but damn I wish I didn’t.
This ended up being SO good. I haven’t been this invested or sold on a book in so long! I read 841 pages in 5 days and that’s with me watching 2 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy in the same time period. I absolutely flew through this book and have already begun reading the second book because I just need more.

The plot is actually why I picked this book up when I did. Long story short, I was in the mood for mystery books and I was in a short supply so I had to choose this one! I loved the mystery, the intricacy, the intensity and the chaos and honestly I just loved the entire plot. It was everything I needed, I loved the setting, the writing was so so riveting, I just adored this book from page 1 to page 841.

Characters though. Blomkvist is someone I really grew to just love. I loved his attitude and his intensity and his desire to do good and his emotions. Larsson wrote him so well and fleshed him out perfectly. I love his lifestyle and his personality and I feel like I know him so well now even though I don’t remember this happening.
And Salander, I love her deeply. I will admit she did things I didn’t fully agree with, nor understand. But they were so in character for her that I didn’t really care in the end. She’s such a strong independent character but is also so incredibly childish and broken sometimes that it hurts your heart. The end of the book, literally the last 2 pages, broke my heart for her just a little bit because we saw one instance of emotion from her and it turned out so poorly.

So yeah I mean I loved this? Like deeply. Something like 75% of the people I’m friends with on here gave this a 3 star or less and I just can’t understand where they saw flaws when I did not. I will say there were like 3 things that did bother me but they did not hugely impact my overall feelings about the book. For the 4 people on Goodreads who haven’t read this book, I really advise you to because it was just so engrossing!
Now to go watch the American movie and read the rest of the trilogy. After those I will determine my mood about the 4th novel and I will watch all the Swedish movies.

If you want to buy the book with free shipping, you can do so here 🙂 BUY THE BOOK HERE: http://www.bookdepository.com/The-Girl-with-the-Dragon-Tattoo-Stieg-Larsson-Martin-Wenner/9780857054036/?a_aid=mel

My Grandmother Asked Me To Tell You She’s Sorry by Fredrik Backman

25814222.jpg★★★★★
Pages: 370 Pages
Publication: September 4th, 2013
Publisher: Washington Square Press
Summary:

Elsa is seven years old and different. Her grandmother is seventy-seven years old and crazy, standing-on-the-balcony-firing-paintball-guns-at-men-who-want-to-talk-about-Jesus-crazy. She is also Elsa’s best, and only, friend. At night Elsa takes refuge in her grandmother’s stories, in the Land of Almost-Awake and the Kingdom of Miamas where everybody is different and nobody needs to be normal.
When Elsa’s grandmother dies and leaves behind a series of letters apologizing to people she has wronged, Elsa’s greatest adventure begins. Her grandmother’s letters lead her to an apartment building full of drunks, monsters, attack dogs, and totally ordinary old crones, but also to the truth about fairytales and kingdoms and a grandmother like no other.

My Thoughts:

I want to firstly thank Washington Square Press for sending me a copy of this to read and review as a part of the BookTube tours!

This book is honestly something else. I was expecting some lighthearted quick read about a little girl going on a mission after the death of her grandmother but I was given something so different and even better than I could have expected.

So to start, this book follows a girl named Elsa and her best and only friend in the entire world is her Grandmother. Her Grandmother has always told her these fairytales about the world of the Land of Almost Awake and when her grandmother dies in the beginning she sends Elsa on a quest where she finds out that maybe everything her grandmother told her has been true.

The thing I love about this book is the way you learn in it. Elsa is only 8 years old, so while she is a very smart 8 year old, she doesn’t know a lot of things. So this book is a journey. Eventually it all comes completely full circle and I think the way it was done was so so so well handled.
I loved the inclusion of the fairytale land in this story. While I think the story itself packs a really intense emotional punch and covers so many important topics, ranging from the relationship between a parent and a child, but also the bond that a grandparent has with a grandchild, there was really no need to add the fairytale element. This story could have been told without it and I am SO glad it wasn’t. I just adored the fairytale element and the way that the story incorporated it into the “real world.” It gave a sense of magical realism to this story that I think was the nice comedic relief that the story needed.

However, while I loved the plot the characters really are what made this book for me.

I loved them all (all except 2 actually but I won’t get into them, they’re obvious when you read it). They were all so complex and distinct and done so in a way that only a child could have made distinct. The book is written by an adult, but he writes the mind of children so well. I felt like I was seeing the world and learning about the world honestly through a children’s eye. She sees people and described people in a way that I felt on a child could have. In that regards this book was really really well done. The adults were really realistic and flawed in a way that I found beautiful, being criticized the way only a child could criticize. Each adult was distinct with their own personality and every character is important in this story, it leaves no one behind. It’s like a really confusing family drama because of the setting of this story.

I will probably expand on specific examples and instances in the book about the certain things I liked in my YouTube review, so make sure you go to the bottom of my page and find my channel to see it. But I think this was a good explanation  of what I loved about this book. As for dislikes, there were none! So I honestly recommend this because it was such a heartbreaking book but done so in a really heartwarming way!

Abandon all hope ye who enter here

I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not I was going to do a post like this. I always feel like I need to be some outgoing cheerful person when it comes to the book community, but I feel like this is something that I need to say, but also something that really needs to be said.

For the last 3 months, I have been battling a very deep depression. It started out pretty small from June and July but hit a very high peak in August. Most of it is work related, the fact that I have graduated University with a degree in humanities and have no skills is making finding a job completely impossible. But it’s more than that causing this. The peak I hit this month has to do with a boy. I don’t think I want to get into details, but long story short we had a very intense but short relationship and the end of it hit me hard. We were at two places in our lives and could not make it work. But that kind of brings me to the full reason for this depression which is I look at all the people around me and I see people with a purpose. People have careers, they’re in stable relationships, they’re living a life of contentment and, for some, even happiness. They may not have all they want, and they may be struggling, but they’re doing something for themselves. They have a trajectory for their lives; meanwhile I feel like I’m doing nothing, with no prospects to do anything, and I feel like all I’m doing it wasting space. And I don’t mean that in any sort of self harm/suicidal way, but I’m not contributing to the world. I’m not putting anything into it. And this is making things very hard for me. I want more than anything to be a self reliant person who supports themself, but instead I live at home and continue to rely on the support of other people. It’s making me feel like a drain on other people and is severely damaging the way I feel about myself.

To be honest though, that’s all background information. While I think that how I am feeling and what I am dealing with is important, that’s not what I aimed to do with this post. What I aimed to do with this post is to ask the question: why the hell did no one warn me this was coming? I have many friends who are in their late 20s and 30s who fall into the category I mentioned earlier, those who know where their life is headed. Not one of them warned me about this mid 20s crisis. And I figured at first “okay… maybe I’m the only one?” but no. After talking to most of the people I know, they all said they went through the same thing. So that brings me back to my question, why didn’t anyone tell me to expect this? Yes, a lot of people told me getting a job with a History degree would be impossible, but no one prepared me even remotely close to what was coming when I graduated University. No one told me that I would have a period in my life where I didn’t know what my purpose was, what I wanted, or even where I wanted to live? People who graduate High School complain that they need to decide “the rest of their life” when they pick a college, but really they have nothing to worry about because those decisions come after University. I’m 23 now, I need to decide what career path I want to take (assuming I can even get hired), and I need to decide where in the world I want to do it, and I even am facing the problem of having to decide if my friendships are worth keeping. I’m realistic enough to know that if I take a job now in a certain city, I will likely get stuck there for the rest of my life. And that’s okay, but that’s a huge decision to make, and no one warned me it was coming.

And don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect to be coddled. I know that life is a bitch and you just gotta deal with it, but a little heads up would have been nice?  There is a very vocal generation that talks about the state of jobs in the world and there is an incredibly vocal generation that discusses the many things people my age are facing, but no one REALLY tells you what it’s like to be in this situation. I didn’t join extra curricular activities in University. I also didn’t do any internships. I did what I needed to do to get my degree and I left, and because of that I am struggling. No one told me that the only way to get a job is by having contacts, and that the contacts would be made in University. There are so many things I would have done differently had I known this was coming. But no one talks about it. Why? I assume competition. But we are all, or most of us, dealing with the same things, we should help each other when we can.

What I’m trying to say with this entire ramble discussion is that I’m not okay, I will be eventually, but I’m not right now, and that I’m struggling to find my place in a world that has left me completely unprepared for this period in my life and a world that has left me feeling incredibly alone in the challenges I am facing.